Have you ever had a day, no wait, a month, no that’s not right either…OK, have you ever had a year…no…let me think…. YES! This time I’ve really got it….Have you ever had a life where things made you go, “HMMMMM…” on a fairly regular basis? Welcome to my reality!
My world is made up of gazillions of moments that are best described as millions of tiny little sparks of creation dancing and weaving about the endless abyss of my mind leaving random patterns that burst forth illuminating the massive amounts of gray matter that inhibit my somewhat conflicted cranium. The ensuing battle includes the volatile clash between the left and right hemispheres as my brain continues its energetic interchange and searches desperately for any signs of intelligent life. Then in one amazing split second the light comes together in a random yet cohesive pattern that blooms forth a thought that I then endeavor to share with those who are brave enough to go along for the ride.
Disclaimer: I AM NOT GOD! I realize you are quite possibly horrified, shocked and even dismayed by this announcement, right?! Hopefully NOT!! Seriously, I am still learning and growing and make mistakes every day. Forgiven by grace but still very imperfect. However, I can without a doubt tell you that the following statement is 100% TRUE: I DO NOT have all the answers, but I DO KNOW the one who does.
Therefore, I make no claims or guarantees regarding anything other than to be open and honest, which I suppose in this day and age most would call outrageously dangerous. But that is a sacrifice I am willing to make should you uphold your end of the bargain. “What is that?” you say. Well, if you are willing to enter this “helmets off” safety zone where my soul is free to run and explore life’s many twists and turns, ups and downs and even navigate failures and successes, then climb aboard and let’s get into the nitty gritty of life together.
Will it always be pretty? NO. Will duct tape be used? PROBABLY (However only the pretty pink kind). I can promise we will laugh, maybe cry, possibly discover something we hadn’t thought of before, but most of all we will learn how to cope in the midst of life’s adversities and trails as I share what God has shown me during over 40 something years on this planet. CONFESSION: Often it takes my Abba Father patiently waiting as I go around that mountain 2, 3 or even 4 times and counting because I find I closely resemble the Apostle Paul when he declares in Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
You may be wondering what gives me this type of insight, why even listen? Or better yet, can we even relate to each other?
Here’s my story in a nutshell: I went from healthy and happy to devastation and loss, from able bodied pursuing a successful career to feeling like a forgotten piece of human trash, from performing and singing in church and community theater to watching alone from the sidelines, from embracing creativity as a graphic artist with a love for water colors to hands that burn and ache yet lose sensation long before the brush and canvas are ready to rest, from being independent, actively involved in charities and volunteering to the instant when your world comes crashing in.
I will never forget the moment. The lights were bright and the room cold and sterile, muted voices could be heard through the partly closed door where my chart hung neatly in the clear plastic holder. Down the long hallway, we had travelled just a short time earlier, a door would open and then close, footsteps first slow, then quicker as a parent went to comfort a small child, then nothing, just silence… I could feel myself starting to get flushed and the air was stagnant, the lights were burning down on my skin as my husband gently rubbed my back in a desperate attempt to comfort me, and then the door opened. I was jolted back into reality by the sound of the surgeon’s voice. You can do this, I told myself, as I braced for the news that surgery would be my only option. ‘Mrs. Weber, I am so sorry, but it’s inoperable.” I was paralyzed, unable to even breathe as my mind wildly grasped at any form of logical thought… I had been so afraid of surgery that not once had I even considered the likelihood that it might not be possible. The rest of the appointment was a blur as the horror of my situation began to weave it’s way into the fabric of my mind. I would never walk again.
Of course there’s the whole journey of learning life from a wheelchair in mind numbing pain along with the loss of control that comes with being incapable of self-care. The reality of being dependent on the kindness of strangers to meet your needs. I imagine people’s responses would understandably encompass a range of conflicting emotions from pity to disdain, because, believe me, I went through them all!
- How tragic
- That must be so hard to face
- Her poor family
- Thank God that’s not me
- I can’t imagine, so sad
- I hope she got health insurance
- What’s the big deal, lots of people are disabled and doing fine
- Get over it there are many people worse off
All the time I had no concept of the far more difficult trial ahead. It would hit like a tornado and obliterate everything beyond the point of recognition, affecting every area of life leaving no stone unturned. It’s vicious attack would make your disabilities pale in comparison. I will write more about that in a later post but for now I will just say that suffering hardship is one thing, but when you have to endure watching helplessly as your loved one, especially a spouse or child, suffer abuse causing them severe harm. it will make even the strongest among us shake their fists at the air and scream as loud as they can, “Take me instead, I will suffer, just don’t hurt my….” But injustice, by it’s very nature is no respecter of persons, without regard for who it crushes, as it weaves it’s web of deception and lies that strangles it’s prey intent on destroying it. Devoid of a conscience it’s tentacles reaching for the most vulnerable, inflicting injury long before the innocent even realize what’s happening.
How did I cope with isolation and financial destitution that has left me literally trapped in my home without accessible transportation and no way to leave for over a year and still no solution in sight? Is it possible to cope when your husband and soulmate of almost 25 years has become a stranger and justice seems no where to be found?
Can it be? Can God really be there if you are still in the storm? I am here to say, “YES!”
For all those who are looking for a safe place to come and sit for a while enjoying a few moments of rest from the ongoing battles that we each fight, many alone in the silence, to those who are just looking for a good cup of virtual coffee for a few minutes during their day, and to those who are simply trying to figure out a way to be a good friend and support to someone in crisis, I say, “WELCOME”!
SHHHH… I’ll let you in on a little secret, I have no idea where this adventure leads since I have never gone down this road before! I might even share a recipe or two, who knows. You see I am convinced that there are many good resources for those who are just starting out in preparation to meet the on slot of whatever comes their way when drinking out of the firehose we call life. They encompass shelves filled with books and videos, sound bites online, on a wide array of topics from parenting, how to choose a career to a slew of how to books from preparing for marriage all the way to topics like how to preplan you own funeral. In case you missed it there is the endless list of gurus proclaiming the secret to financial freedom, self-help, how to dress, what to eat, spirituality and relationships, etc… followed by the millions of testimonials of those who are now a success on the other side of their hardship.
“What was that you said?” I said, “Hardship”. You know…. the kind that can bring even the strongest person flat on their face in the bottom of a muddy pit of despair, that kind of hardship. However, there are precious few resources with practical “how to” ideas, comments, insight or encouragement of what to do in the middle of if all, when all hope seems lost and you have no more strength to take even one breath, let alone one more step. Not elaborate motivational goal setting seminars or 12 step programs, although they can be great, but just enough to get you to take that next step and then the next. I invite you to come and share together how to overcome and learn what practical everyday things can help along the way.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I am not offering some miracle cure or claiming that God will make your life perfect, since He never promised that. But I do hope your will discover some much needed tools and ideas to keep you going in the midst of the storm.
With that I will close for now and will meet you again on the pages of HopeLostNFound.com. Keep looking for updates including new random topics that I encounter and make me go, “Hmmmmm…” I will be growing a list of resources and fun items, as I work on developing my site and thank you in advance for your patience as I learn how to navigate this new world of online blogging and all the technology surrounding it.
P.S. HINT: One day you will probably see something that you don’t agree with or even offends you! SOLUTION: Just STOP! Don’t read it. Problem solved! Hopefully you will find something new next time you come that is more to your liking. As I said before, I am just a fellow human being, relying on God’s grace. I am learning and growing on just like all of us on this common journey we call life. Of course you can always send a private message that is constructive and helpful, in an attitude of love and concern for truth, and I will welcome the conversation. As I said earlier, this is meant to be a “helmets off” safety zone, and as long as it is glorifying to God, biblically sound and truthful, I am okay with it. If not….I will always maintain the right to take it down or get rid of divisive or offensive comments. This is not meant to be anything more than one woman’s journey through life and an invitation to have a peek at what God is teaching her through each season. I pray God’s blessing and refreshment on all who visit and thank you for taking the time to stop by.
Author: Anne Weber (c) Sept 2015